My wife, Kim, annoys me. She also does plenty of other things that do the opposite of annoy me, so our relationship is not at any risk. But it would be a bonus if annoyance levels went even lower.
For instance, last week, I was in the middle of leading a workout with friends, when I got a phone call from her. She knew I was busy, so on the off chance it might be something urgent, I answered:
“Chris, I forgot about the Walmart delivery! I left home and it’s going to be delivered any minute. They’re so late. It’s full of frozen stuff. It’s all going to melt. I’m so pissed off at Walmart.”
Sigh.
What does she want me to do? She knows I’m unable to race home. So why is she bothering me with this? Why doesn’t she figure out her own solution rather than spread the problem onto me?
My response: “Oh. Shoot. So what do you want me to do?”
Kim: “Well, you’re doing your workout, so there’s nothing you can do.”
Me, mentally making an exasperated, helpless palms-up shrug 🤷♂️: “I can call Walmart later to ask for a refund if you want.”
Kim: “That’s ok, I’m already on it. I’m so pissed off.”
Me: “Yeah.”
Kim: “K. Bye.”
Me: “Bye.” But she’d hung up already.
Then I joked with my friends, another married couple, about how annoying such useless complaint-full interruptions are. They laughed at me, having been there before many times.
A small annoyance like this won’t affect our relationship on its own. But compounding paper cuts increase the risk of deadly infection. Some develop thick skin and tolerate. I don’t like to tolerate. I would much rather find a solution that saves me from having to ever tolerate again.
So what to do?
In similar situations in the past, I have pleaded with Kim to not come to me with problems, but solutions, or at the very least specific requests. My mom hammered this into my siblings and me when we were growing up. But apparently my hammer isn’t accurate or Kim’s skull is impenetrable. Kim keeps venting to me. I keep getting annoyed.
This time, rather than hopelessly hammer away at changing Kim, I finally turned the hammer and nail toward myself. Can I hang up a different frame for this situation? How?
Enter my handy new tool:
As I shared with you last issue, my user manual includes my psychological profile, strengths, weaknesses, conditions for collaboration, and more. I have a manual for Kim, too.
What if we merge our personal user manuals?
When I got home, I dumped the context of this Walmart whining situation into Claude AI chat, attached Kim and my user manuals, and asked:
“Can you take a look at Kim’s user manual and mine to help me understand the dynamics of this disconnect and how to deal with such a situation?”
You may be groaning to yourself while reading this and thinking: Are user manuals necessary here? The problem and the answer are obvious already, right? Kim wants to be listened to. Chris wants solutions. Standard, cliché relationship stuff.
Yeah, but standard, generic, cliché advice is too boring for me to pay attention. Doesn’t matter how “correct” it is. It’s not specific enough. The context and nuance from user manuals allows for custom advice that clicks.
Here’s an excerpt of the AI’s appraisal of my situation:
The Core Mismatch
She’s calling to connect and process. You’re receiving it as a request to solve and fix. Neither of you is wrong – you’re just operating from different blueprints.
…
Your manual notes you have a “blind spot for emotional nuance” and can miss when others need emotional support rather than solutions. This is exactly that situation. Kim’s manual shows she’s a “Resilient Connector” who processes experiences through relationships.
The irony? You’re both actually aligned in wanting the same thing – a smooth-running life system. She just needs to emotionally discharge the friction points, while you want to eliminate them entirely. Recognizing this can help you respond with less annoyance and more strategic empathy: “That’s annoying, babe. What do you need from me right now?” is probably the most efficient response that serves both your operating systems.
My thinking as I read the AI’s analysis: Yeah I can see how Kim would find me annoying in such situations. I’m so robotic. So un-empathetic.
I went back and forth a couple more times with the AI until landing on a solution that requires zero change from Kim, but a reframe from me:
Build a robust protocol for yourself, not a complex system for her.
Your “Venting Absorption Protocol”
Think of this as building yourself an emotional shock absorber – a standard component that handles variable inputs with consistent performance. Here’s your spec:
The Standard Response Module:
- Receive signal (she calls/texts with a problem)
- Run acknowledgment script: “Ugh, that’s annoying babe” or “That sucks, sorry you’re dealing with that”
- Optional empathy boost: “You’ve got a lot on your plate today”
- Clean exit: “Love you” + return to previous activity
Total time cost: 30-60 seconds Emotional cost: Zero (it’s just executing protocol) Relationship ROI: Massive
Depending on how much your wiring differs to mine, this “Venting Absorption Protocol” may sound insane to you. But this script runs beautifully on my brain. I think it’s fun, robotic, and effective.
Next time Walmart delivers late, one of the kids does something stupid, Kim’s bike tire’s flat, or the sky starts falling, I’ll just VAP it.
Before VAP, Kim’s complain-y interruptions would leave me grimacing from the paper cut annoyance.
Now, VAP, poof, gone. I’m Kim’s trusted negative energy absorber. Whenever she feels close to blowing a fuse, she can dump on me. I dissipate and feel useful for helping.
Would I prefer not to be interrupted in the first place? Of course. Oh well. It’s the least I could do for Kim in return for all her delights… and all the annoying things I do that she has to put up with.
So what’s the upshot for you?
Am I trying to convince you to pay me for you and your partner to go through my ARC program as an anniversary gift or wedding present? No. Though, I do think it’s a fun idea, which my friend Teresa suggested when I shared this Walmart example with her over the weekend.
More realistically, I want you to see the merit of objectively documenting the traits, motivations, and strengths of people that matter most to you—starting with yourself—and using that, along with LLMs, as a troubleshooting tool.
Consider starting with this:
Take free online Big 5 personality and Schwartz values assessments. Copy paste your results into a doc. Toss in your MBTI, Enneagram, star sign, tarot reading, or whatever. Add and organize from there.
We’re all crazy, confusing, complicated creatures. Rather than count on your in-stink-t to figure things out on the fly, document what you can. Then use tools like AI to diagnose and debug disconnects. That way, things run less annoyingly and more smoothly between you and those you spend a huge chunk of your life with.
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- The external problem you solve
- Your method of addressing it
- Your motivation for doing so
About the author
I decode what makes people different and help them build extraordinary things with it. Creator of Innate Edge. Writer of The Zag.
